Rumblings of the Disenfranchised

Some changes...

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 12:33:47 GMT

Some very strange things have been happening in cyberspace, some very mean comments I've had to delete, that would be why there is no longer any disenfranchised angels stuff...I'm not sure what God of the internet I've wronged but enough was enough so i deleted my community and I made a new LJ...so I don't know how often I'll be updating this one, very possible my new LJ will be friends only but well see

I'll be sure to leave you comments from my new LJ so you guys can find me...I have a lot of projects I'm excited about and I'll be happy to share soon.

love you guys, cadet

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 00:49:49 GMT

If a movie was made of your life, what would the soundtrack be?

- - - - - - - Your Life: The Soundtrack - - - - - - - -

So, here’s how it works:

Open your music player (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc).
Put it on shuffle.
Press play.
For every question type the song that’s playing.
When you go to a new question press the next button.
Some songs fit perfectly.

Opening Credits:      Devil without A Cause-Kid Rock   (wow this is going to be some movie or one where everything good happens in the trailer,lol..ego much?)
Birth:        Someone's Out To Get Me-Steve Holy      (It's not paranoia when you really have a stalker you haven't met yet)
Waking Up:          Couldn't Care Less About-Evan and Jaron     (story of my life I wake up to who people are way too late)
Working:           Got me Going-Ra   (because apparently I'm passionate and thinking about hot sex when i work..oh wait i write yaoi don't I)
Falling In Love:           Feeling Lucky-Jimmy Eat World     (That's like light falling for l...oh wait yep that works)
Sex:          Say You Love me-Fleetwood mac      (I'm a squish biscuit it would seem)
Lusting:       Don't let My Heart Be The last to Know-Tanya Tucker   (ouch, perhaps we lust after the unhealthy thing)
Cooking Dinner:      Built For the Future-the Fixx    (I'm not sure I'd eat it when I'm done)
For Your Walk In The Park:        Cupid-112    (slow groove with my stalker)
Working Out At The Gym:        Your Why God made me-Tracy Lawrence     (So my compy thinks I'm flirting like Brian Kinney at the gym it would seem)
Fight Scene:          I Want to Live-Josh Gracin   (come and get me bitches)
Breaking Up: Drive-Cars (ugh oh ugh love that song but oh that hurts)
Getting Back Together: Baby Driver-Kiss (????)
Secret Love:   It's Still Rock&Roll To Me-Billy Joel   (Yes I love the am radio hits and I'm not giving them up note the next song)
Life's Ok:   Won't go Wasted-Dennis Deyoung    (not only uncle Dennis but like super sappy Uncle Dennis-unreal)
Mental Breakdown:Tell Me why-cold (Painful but true)
Party:   Dark star-beck    (Beck???How drunk am I at this party?)
Long Night Alone:     Born To Roll-Masta Ace Incorporated   (HeHE I'm blasting my speakers and ridin in my Jeep(go hakaryu!!!)
The Final Battle:    Sweet Sweet Sweat(2003 Sampler)-tora!!!Tora!!!Torence!!!    (utterly insane song for final battle)
Death Scene:    Trucker Hat-Bowling For Soup    (no, seriously, sings "I will never go out of style"
Funeral Song:      Rise-disturbed    (Are you sure I'm dead, seriously how phoenix a song is that)
End Credits.    Dear diary-Travis   (oh so eerie, it such a I draw my own conclusions you draw yours sort of song)
and because I can't count and I don't believe it ends so abruptly one more
Trailer for the sequel-    Still Here-Natasha Bedingfield   (I kid you not, that's either the most sappy story ever or it's a zombie flick)

What Do You People MeMe from Me?

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 00:13:48 GMT

snagged from rasvi

Everyone has things they blog about. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll respond via comments. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, thoughts on yaoi, favorite type of underwear, graphic techniques, etc. Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other!

Here I am like me or not but I bet you like me. Never wanted to be anything else Ever ...so ask away...

Answering the meme

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 04:55:31 GMT

Got tagged by rasvi so here it goes although apparently my psychic roomie stole half the list
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, they must be songs you're really enjoying now.

1.There's A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Figured It Out Yet-Panic At The Disco
2.One & Only-Timbaland and Fall Out Boy
3.Her Eyes-Pat Monohan
4.Break Anotha-Blake Lewis(Fluppydogg)
5.Hold The Door-Armour for Sleep
6.Dancing In The Dark-Bruce Springsteen
7.Tongue Tied-October Fall

There I did and managed to stop at seven though down here I must mention an eighth because i just revisited The Black Parade and it is still a crazy awesome song and I'm going to see MCR at a really small venue in April so had to be said.

I Fear 16 out of 70 Common Fears

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 05:33:12 GMT

another one

If you get more than 30 I strongly recommend some counseling!

IF you get more than 20 you’re paranoid.

If you get 10-20 then u are normal.

If you get 10 or less you’re fearless.

People who don’t have any are full of crap n need some help!

I Fear…

[ ] the dark
[ ] staying single forever
[ ] being a parent
[ ] giving birth
[ ] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[X] closed spaces
[X] heights
[ ] black cats
[ ] dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[X ] spiders
[ ] flowers or other plants
[ ] being touched
[ ] fire
[ ] deep water
[ ] lakes
[ ] silk
[ ] the ocean
[] failure
[ ] success
[X ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends dad
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends mom
[ ] mice/rats
[] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[X ] crossing bridges
[ ] death
[ ] heaven
[X] being robbed
[X] falling
[ ] clowns
[X ] large crowds of people
[ ] men
[ ] women
[ ] having great responsibilities
[X] doctors, including dentists
[X ] tornadoes
[ ] hurricanes
[ ] incurable diseases
[ ] snakes
[ ] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] ghosts
[] poverty
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[ ] being alone
[X] becoming blind
[X] becoming deaf
[ ] growing up
[ ] monsters grabbing your foot under your bed.
[X ] creepy noises in the night
[X ] bee stings
[ ] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[X] needles
[ ] blood
[ ] dinosaurs
[ ] the welcome mat
[ ] high speeds
[X ] throwing up
[ ] falling in love
My Total: 16.

Believe or not I am doing one of these...

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 05:11:52 GMT

yes I actually did a quiz, don't die of shock Seth...

What is your name?:Umm...let's see..Babydoll, Ran, Thorn, Frankie, Stargazer...but i was born Stacey Marie
Are you named after anyone?: too many conflicting stories to know
What's your screename?: cadetmhughes
Would you name a child of yours after you?: no but I'd use other family names
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?: Jerome

If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?: nope I have enough names as it is
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?: no but my little sis used to call me Tacey Ree
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: nope

Basics

Your gender: in life or fiction?
Straight/Gay/Bi: gay
Single?: nope
Birthday: august 16
Your age: 30 and some
Age you wish you were: i'm good right now
Your height: 5'4
Eye color: hazel
Hair color: black with natural silver highlights
Happy with it?: it's growing on me
Have any pets?: not right now
Whats your job?: artist,writer,music critic
Piercings?: ears
Obsessions?:a lot
Addictions?: almost as many
Do you speak another language?: some French

Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it.

Do you live in the moment?: as much as possible, more now since I am studying the Tao
Do you hate yourself?: not anymore
Do you like your handwriting?: it's awful
What is the compliment you get from most people?: they are glad I'm in their life
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called? Based On A True Story
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool? no
What is your 1 prioritie in life?: to be myself and to love my nakama
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: yes

Are you a daredevil?: not physically
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: I'm a bit od an addictive personality
Are you passive or agressive?: both and not always at the right time
Do you have a journal?: yes
Do you think you are emotionally strong?: honestly, yes
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: To not be afraid of what the universe puts in front of me
Do you think you are good looking?: to the person that matters
Are you confident?: depends on the day but in some things always
What is the fictional character you are most like?: haha..I have to pick one...well...Ginji

Do You ...

Smoke?: No
Do drugs?: is Starbucks a drug??
Read the newspaper?: nope, I get my news from Jon and Stephen
Pray?: Everyday
Go to church?: not as often as I'd like
Sleep with stuffed animals?: sometimes
Take walks in the rain?: yes,I love the smell of cool rain
Talk to people even though you hate them?: yes
Drive?: I can..sort of
Like to drive fast?: more than most

Have You Ever?

Liked your voice?: yes,I want to be a singer
Hurt yourself?: more than once
Been out of the country?: canada
Eaten something that made other people sick?: yea,pizza with applesauce
Done drugs?: once or twice in college
gone skinny dippin?: nope
Had a medical emergency?: yes
Had surgery?: yeah surprise tooth surgery
Ran away from home?: yes
Played strip poker?: yes
Gotten beaten up?: a few times
Beaten someone up?: nope
Been picked on?:people mock what they don't understand
Been on stage?: Yes, it's something I wish I could do more
Slept outdoors?: never been camping but I have slept outdoors
Thought about Suicide?: afraid so
Pulled an all nighter?: oh yeah
Gone one day without food?: too many times
Talked on the phone all night?: yes
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: yep
Slept all day?: also too many times
Killed someone?: yes,in fiction
Made out with a stranger?:no
Had sex with a stranger?:no
Thought you're going crazy?: already been there
Kissed the same sex?: oh yeah
Done anything sexual with the same sex?: all kinds of things
Been betrayed?: by some of the closest people in my life
Had a dream that came true?: so many
Broken the law?: a few times
Met a famous person?: a couple
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: sadly yes
On purpose?: no
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: who hasn't
Stolen anything?: who hasn't
Been on radio/tv?: I once was dj for the hour when I was a teen
Had a nervous breakdown?: uh-huh
Bungee jumped?:can't say i have
Had a dream that kept coming back?: a few

Beliefs!

Believe in life on other planets?: there's gotta be
Miracles?: they happen everyday
Astrology?: the stars have their secrets
Magic?: I've seen it
God?: absolutely residing within us
Satan?: absolutely residing within us
Santa?: I want to be Santa
Ghosts?: I've seen them
Luck?: I've had it
Love at first sight?: it happened for me i didn't find out till many years later
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: everything
Witches?: I sort of am one
Easter bunny?:thanks easter bunny
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: I know I will
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: the rainbow itself is the treasure
Do you wish on stars?: you have no idea
Wish at 11:11?: and 12:12

Deep Theological Questions.

Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?:nope
Do you think God has a gender?: yep all of them
Do you believe in organized religion?: no, people can gather and celebrate but every one should have their own way to God
Where do you think we go when we die?: to the next

Friends!

Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: yes
Who is your best friend?: Sunshine and Seth
Who's the one person that knows most about you? Sunshine
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: Not everything is my fault
Newest?: me
Shyest?:Mikey
Funniest?: Sunshine
Sweetest?: Sunshine
Closest?: Sunshine
Weirdest?: that would be the pot calling the kettle I think
Smartest?: Sunshine
Ditziest?: kettle...
Friends you miss being close to the most?: Seth
Last person you talked to online?: somebody on some forum
Who do you talk to most online? Seth and J-L but not as often as I like
Who are you on the phone with most?: not big on the phone
Who do you trust most?: Sunshine and Seth
Who listens to your problems?:Sunshine and Seth
Who do you fight most with?: Mikey
Who's the nicest?: all my friends have their amazing sides
Who's the most outgoing?: probably Seth
Who's the best singer?: me! *lol*
Who's on your shit-list?: backstabbing frenemies
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: yes
Who's your second family?: my nakama
Do you always feel understood?: hell I don't understand me sometimes
Who's the loudest friend?: Seth no one laughs louder or more joyfully
Do you trust others easily?:not anymore
Who's house were you last at?: mine
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in: Sunshine's
Do your friends know you?: oh yeah, poor them..lol
Friend that lives farthest away: Seth

Love and All That

Do you consider love a mistake?:no way
What do you find romantic?: life
Turn-ONS?: everything Sunshine is
Turn-off?: anything that isn't Sunshine
If someone u had no interest in, had interest in dating u, how would u feel?: wouldn't matter I'm taken
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going out?: you learn something new about them everyday

Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: not likely
What is best about the opposite sex?:if you knew you'd understand why i can't begin to answer that question
Are you in love?: I am greatly posessing the lovey doveys
Do you consider your significant other hot?: oh GOD yes!!!!!!

Who Was the Last Person ...

That haunted you?: the people I couldn't help
You wanted to kill?: see above
That you laughed at?: Sunshine
That laughed at you?: Sunshine
That turned you on?: Sunshine
You went shopping with?:Sunshine
To disappoint you?: Me
To ask you out?: Sunshine
To make you cry?: chuckles it's okay I like it
To brighten up your day? Sunshine

that was kind of fun...I might have to do some more.

It Doesn't Rain All the Time...

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 23:46:42 GMT

In the course of two days my life changed so drastically that it coincides with the changing is mind-numbing. I was damn near suicidal on New Year's Eve, scheduling left me to countdown the minutes alone after a very unpleasant day. I felt so empty and lonely and that I could just die of that.. Not complaining just setting the scene.
Now let me tell you about Day One of 2008, everything changed.

The level of joy in the house skyrocketed as me,Sunshine and Mikey cleaned and decorated the house like a real family. Our once sad little apartment is aglow with new life and clearance Christmas lights and decorations creating a sprawling celestial ceiling(which made Seth a part of it because it was her thoughtful Xmas gift that said I still know you and love you that inspired us to actually go ahead with it). Stargazer's soul is dancing.

Then, my beautiful sunshine made the most delicious dinner of teriyaki chicken and noodles complete with a dessert of chocalte covered fruits and homemade buck-eyes. The three of us settled in and started a new series together and for one amazing day and night not aone of us felt alone or lacking, stressed or angry. And no it can't be like that all the time but that it was the first experience of the new year it whispered promises of things none of us had dared to dream.
Then we slept peacefully, heavily and woke a little late in thr day alive and refreshed.

This is not my New Year's resolution(which i generally don't make), this is my New Year's resolve.

Dear last year, Year of the Chariot, thank you so much for all the hard lessons and ensuring I understood the difference between being directing my own life and being drug along
Dear World, I am done trying to save you, you are unfolding as you should.
Dear old friends, continue on with your lives in peace without my interference whether they be grand or small.
Dearest Nakama, I am and will always be your Captain Luffy and do my best to honor that.
Dear Source, I'm ready to create joy with you and watch over those entrusted to me.
Dearest beloved, I will shine for you and because of you.

And to the next year of my life, Year of Strength, 2008, let's go, lets do it, i'm ready

and with that Happy Fantastic Promising New Year 2008 to all!!! and here is my gift

This is Rendi, she is the baby sister of the Prosperity Fairies. The very first Frosted Fairy to come across by being given form by Stargazer's art. on Dec. 29,2007
She posesses great magic as do all the Frosted Fairies. Now that she has been allowed onto your computer, she has the chance to work in your life. Sort of a fairy computer virus.

Rendi can start a new period of riches in your life by stealing away all that is no longer necessary. She has the unique ability to turn painful memories and harmful beliefs into beautiful fossils that in time will be the energy to empower eternity.
As she presses them into amber jewels, she leaves little gifts of gratitute that attract greater gifts from her older brothers and sisters.
Her favorite food she tells me is cupcakes. Her Resting stone is amber. When I asked what that was she told me every fairy has a special stone where they can rest and recharge, then she asked me what mine was.

May she be the blessing to you she is to me. And as now she belongs to the world, send her off if you wish to anyone you love or just PM a stranger on a message board if you will. Also feel free to print her out and put her picture up or carry her in you wallet or your heart, because whereever she appears is one more place she can bring riches and fashion a new bed of amber to rest her head.

The leader of the band is tired...

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 03:35:59 GMT

Oh boy, this is hard. I've loved lots of different kinds of music in my life but today one of my personal muses,the great singer/songwriter/storyteller Dan Fogelberg was silienced at age 56 by that damnable cancer. I had been holding out for his recovery and praying for a follow up to his last beautiful contribution to the world.

I was just deciding to listen to some of my old favorites/guilty pleasures to get in touch with Nevi the Stargazer and as I was perusing which of his albums to play I was checking my e-mail. There it was in cold black and white just as I had started to play Captured Angel, one of his earlier albums, news of his passing.

Honestly I'm a little messed up, the title of this entry was already chosen before while I was listening to the Merry Go tribute album Tal had done using only songs by America(one of my other personal muses) and thoughts turned to my beloved AM radio bard. feeling inspired I was going to speak of my spiritual transformation, in fact i was going to use "Leader of the Band"'s lyrics to sort things out in my head and in written form. Speaking of Tal, thank you for that day in 2003, when even though the car was about to die on us, you took me to see him in concert, one of his last ones, I'd have never gotten the chance if you hadn't.

I've been criticized before for feeling a deep true connection to a musician, actually quite recently. So, it's hard to really explain this but his music feels like a very personal gift to me now more than ever, like a part of his spirit resides deep in all these amazing songs and in them is everything he wanted to give the world and because the songs resonate so strong in my heart, it's like a part of his soul has come to sit beside me as I listen to his music.

As I open my heart to Nevi the Stargazer, I will keep him close to my heart. Also I will spend some time considering the idea of the role of musical spiritual advisors to Songk'heepers, as it seems there is a more intimate connection than I'd quite understood. And the work is not done when you reach the Master level, no not at all.

Whatever Happened to our Inner Glow...

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 03:54:44 GMT

This is not about reflection. It's not about epiphany. It's about today.

A litlte more than a year ago, the amazing(and it is still amazing)Black Parade came out. Not long after that I began to change in heart, in mind and soul. I spoke of God and self, fear and trust. And I never said I knew it all.

That passion served me well as the year was unrelenting in serious issues and startling developments. A year of stumbling and barely wanting to rise back up though it had started so well.

I look back at the posts I made this time last year and it seems another person was writing them. It's not even that I'm depressed so much as I stare in disbelief of how amazing I once was. Once, hell it was only a year ago. Did the bandleader get amnesia? Did my higher self wander off do find something more interesting to do? What in blazes did I know then that I don't now.

Cause that's where I am...now.
Now is a weird place because I am not unhappy just not ambitious. I'd follow my heart, I'd listen to the cries of my soul. This has always been my creed and my way of living...surviving. Is it a question of no longer fitting. Anywhere. I don't know. Last year I was on a "mission from God" but whether it was to inspire one person or "get the band back together"(yeah I know that's TWO gratuitious Blues Brothers references) or maybe destroy pathways, it feels complete. And I feel empty. Obsolete. I keep waiting for that next assignment but it doesn't come. i half expect my social hangups and physical pain to just disappear as indication that I can go do normal things and live a normal life because I'm not required for anything else. It's odd, complicated, tricky, difficult, dangerous I was ready for those things.

I just get to the point where I want to tend the garden of my own soul and I have found a cemetary of cold stone. Every thing is dead and withered and I'm not even sure if it's a matter of growing things elsewhere or trying to resurrect what might be dead dreams.

What happened? Why has everything gone silent? I wish i knew.

Sometimes Nothing Works

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 22:25:51 GMT

For the record I didn't fail or be rejected by art school, I ran out of money because the people responsible for the loan money were not very responsible ...this was a shock to me as well as I've spent years years thinking it was my fault and so did most of the people I cared about
For the record all I ever wanted to be to any of you was a good friend.
For the record when i'm cut I bleed.
For the record I know we are different people. I realize one of us is a success and one of us isn't. Take that as you will.
For the record this one line is for Seth Seth I'm sorry I so tried to get you in. I'd already planned on giving you my pass if I ever earned another.
For the record I know who did and didn't love me. I won't use names, guilty or innocent, that's just a horrible thing to do.
For the record I didn't think I could hurt this bad
That's all I have to say.

The nature of the Thorn

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 14:15:32 GMT

I asked the Source what it wanted of me today, I asked it in the form of the Norns. In hopes I could get out of the tangles of the past. With the desire to capture the moment. And if I was lucky I’d get a whisper of I can create that is yet to be.

They were direct I guess they always are not to mention unexpectedly personal. Speaking in symbols so very familiar I almost can not bear to hear but I will listen.

In the past I have been blinded by my own fears and absolutes. Well I suppose they only echo what my special someone so eloquently put last night. Not surprising.

There has never been intended malice in my blindness, I have always believed if you say you love someone your soul must become the strong fortress that guards them from the sharp things the world throws at them and if you cannot you are a hypocrite.
If you take the arrows and you bleed and you fall, then you didn’t love them enough. It’s like love should become the armor that you need to deflect them and if your armor is not strong enough you have failed your love. And if that happens well you hardly deserve to live let alone the love they give you. And it was all ...so what if I can do this or that or if she says my smile lights her soul or he says I inspire them…I can’t do the basic I can’t protect them. Wouldn’t they be better off with someone who could. And what value is there in a few so-called wonderful traits if a soul is lacking in the what seems so necessary.
Sure if they were additions to what seemed to me so mandatory and so nonnegotiable then I’d be a pretty awesome being but as I am now…pretty much worthless.

So taking a moment to say okay the past and that thinking was fucking harsh I look in the mirror, not behind me, not ahead. I ask what is.
And I am told about the yew tree. So strong is the yew tree that the rune based on it cannot be read reversed. Here I stand confused didn’t we just establish my unchangeable thinking is what got me here. Maybe I’m supposed to see what doesn’t change if I walk away from these old beliefs that have infested my brain disguised as truth. What have they ever done for me. Did they make me a better person.
A kinder friend.
A sweeter lover.
A more passionate artist.
No they made the very people I was trying to protect feel guilty as they watched me fall full of arrows. Not to mention every perceived failure didn’t end with pulling out the arrows and letting the wounds heal but as reason to accept another slew of arrows this time self inflicted.
Now it would seem I’ve been going about things all wrong. I’m a little lost to be honest but I’m going to stumble through this and come out different.
It has always been at odds to me the idea I could just be by nature “squishy” on the outside and strong at the same time. So I spend my whole life trying to make armor or build a fortress so no one has to be burdened by the squishy and I don’t have to hurt. To put it mildly, I am not a blacksmith and before I make the armor I’ve burned and cut myself on the metal I intended to use or I’ve crushed myself beneath the heavy stones I was trying to build the fortress with. Is there another way to live. Can I really just stop trying to fix what the Source created.
My squishy is on the outside so maybe I should accept the shelter offered instead of daring everything to come at me because this time.. this time it will be different you will see what I am truly made of and these attacks will just bounce off me.
Thorns protect the rose but aren’t they the self same rose. The name thorn seemed appropriate, a way to call my spirit to serve it’s purpose. The purpose of protecting and creating a place for that which is so sacred so special that they shouldn’t have to worry about the sharp things they have more important things to do. I must love them enough that I could do this love inspired task. I do love them enough, enough to kill myself trying and not see I really AM killing myself trying.
Ignoring all my own beauty, my own talent, my own purpose because I thought when love was this big this huge these other things should be secondary. I want to start loving the way I love not the way I thought was best but I have to crash course on how that is.
I do love them enough and how much I wonder of that love have I set aside because the way it wanted to express itself wasn’t good enough for me.
And how can anyone who loves me think they are good enough either if they consider themselves judged at the near impossible standards I judge myself. I never have judged them that way even when I was lashing out it was because I didn’t want them to know that I was trying so hard to cover the squishy because it was a weakness I could not abide in myself.

So where does that leave me and what comes next. Wow, those Norns are harsh. Remember where the thorns are found they say and grasp the rose. They want me to go from this is weakness to this is beauty. This is broken to this is me. They whisper that the future holds the secret to a riddle. Is thorn the name of someone who can’t bear the thought of being the rose. Worse, yet, might it be a very appropriate name in hopes of warding off the world for a rose born naked of thorns. Funny thing is, visually if I am honest when I write or hear the word thorn the image is of the rose itself.
Did I take the name Thorn because it was the only way I could see myself as even part of the rose. And if I can accept that can I really accept what it means to be the rose.
Can I live beautiful and obnoxious in the face of the world knowing I can’t protect a damn thing. Can I be awe-inspiring and lead the way if my truth is I could so be easily stamped out of existence.
I’m reminded of that image I think it is from the osho deck of the rose that grows out of the sidewalk, how strong it had to be, how amazing to come out of the concrete but still it doesn’t have any way of protecting itself let alone anything else once it blooms. There are other things in the world like diamonds, lovely, worthy and very nearly unbreakable. The more you try to destroy them the more finished they are. I am not a precious gem. I do not have this combination.
Perhaps, just perhaps it is I who has more to do and should accept the protection from those who build mighty fortresses with ease. It doesn’t hurt them to shield me like it hurt me to shield them. They can stop wondering and worrying how long is this sweet but silly little rose going to last if they will not let someone save them from themselves. They can stop asking why can’t I help you? Why isn’t what I’m offering good enough.
I wonder if there are times they don’t just want to crush me thoroughly rather than watch the long process of heavy wounding and agonizing healing. Must be frustrating as all hell.
So let’s try… no more false thorns that threaten only the ones I love and never serve any other purpose than wrecking the warm safe place that knows what I need and what I don’t…what I am and what I’m not.

Though I do wonder if I have lost another name or if it can serve as a reminder of what I’ve learned. I honestly couldn’t say right now.

One Very Happy Captain

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 11:14:51 GMT

today is a good day...no a great day..for those of you who know me you will understand my joy....(total fan moment)
Funimation has my beloved ONE PIECE!!! staring with 144 they are taking over the tv broadcast AND(dying) they are releasing uncut DVD's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(which will eventually include the whole series)
Funimation is one of my favorite studios. I am thrilled!

To my Critics(Not That You Read This Blog Anyway)

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 11:29:16 GMT

You call me wicked.
I am wicked.
It is word and a label to be proud of.
Consider it's history. It is a word used to define something bad, offensive and evil. However it comes from the Old English wicce meaning wizard which itself means wise and is a form of the noun wicke which has two meanings
first it is the material that holds the fuel that burns
second it is the material that draws up liquid. like gauze used to drain a wound...
So if you call me wicked I will gladly say yes I am
I strive for wisdom.
and if I am the material that holds the fuel for the flame
then I shall burn eternally(so we are probably agreed on that)
but you pronounce that as a curse and I see it as a never-ending connection to the Source's primal fire
that I and anyone else who wishes to be wicked can have simply by being alive
and if I am to be the gauze
if I can draw the ill and the poison out of a wound,the wounded, or the world then I will gladly
accept your judgement that I am one worthy of this title

No rest for the wicked
No peace to be found
tear me up, tear me down, tear me apart
Go ahead and pass your sentence
I'll gladly serve a hundred years or more

A pirate's deeds are measured by the bounty on his head.
Not by what he says he's going to do
but I will combine the two
be the same in word and deed
and live to laugh in the face of those who thought that i would bleed out
my wrists as I bled out my heart to
gain their sympathy

Now I will be their bane

I am not going away

Not going to die for their sick satisfaction today or any other day

No rest for the wicked
no peace to be found
tear me up tear me down tear me apart
go ahead and pass your sentence
I'll gladly serve a hundred years or more
because in the end
me and my wicked friends
We will endure

I will steal their sons and daughters from their mundane lies
I will smile when they tell me I'm the one all should despise
I will leave my mark on those I inspire
as they will leave their mark

I 'll invite them. I'll seduce them.
Journey with me all the way or just part

I will live my life a fool and choose to be the fire
not just the fire that burns to life the free soul
breathing this fire.
I must make the trade and become fearlessly also
the fire that brands the insipid

even if they want my head

even if they swear they'll put me out

I'll leave my mark on them too
and it will announce they are insipid by choice not design

I'll leave nothing untouched
Nothing the same as it was before it encountered me

Now I will be their bane.
i am not going away
Not going to die for thier sick satisfaction today or any other day
No rest for the wicked
We have too important a part to play
No rest for the wicked
no peace to be found
Tear me up, tear me down , tear me apart
what's left is still stronger than your empty heart ever was

There is no rest for my heart as it challenges what is thought to be righteous.
The righteous have become old and set in their ways.
We were born to question. The truth is our birthright.
Now we will be their bane.
We are not going away.
Stand with me. Stand up for those who might yet gain their sea-legs.
We will raise the pirate flag. We will call ourselves the wicked.
And we will prevail.
No rest for the wicked.

What I'll do, what I did...which one matters?

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 12:05:01 GMT

Welcome back kiddies! Where you been? Oh wait I was the one who went missing. My bad.

This morning I got up and it was unlike any other before. And if you can say that a handful of times in your life you're on the right track. The truth is they all are. Each morning dares you to embrace all the Source has given you and be ready for what is next to come. If it is words of gratitude, speak them, write them, scream until you know what it is like to make your very heart hoarse. Watch what what i happens I swear the Source will coat the raw and torn with the cool promise of creative birth. All you have to do is be willing to burn up the dorment contents in your soul.

Inspiring words, Bandleader but what does that mean. For me, today it means considering, promise, and the nature of reflection and expectation. A promise is something you make when you think you can deliver on a certain set of circumstances and your expected reaction based on previous performance. It is commitment. It is an oath. But dear ones is it a prison as well. It can be. In our quest to "know ourselves" to be living our truth how many of these promises do we strive to keep. Instead of focusing on the changes you need to make, the promise you've made yourself and the expectation you force upon circumstances you've got a proven track record of certain responses stop and breathe.

Is that what your heart wants to talk about? I'll bet not I bet it wants to sing,dance, create, heal and burst with it's newfound freedom. And dear ones all you have to do to tell your heart it is free- is listen. Weigh it down not with fetters of what I'll do or what I'm working towards. Source knows your mind will do enough of that. Every minute of every day it beats steady. In each beat lies your truth. Why worry about promises, it's not our job. If we are to manifest our world we must be able to cast away promise for certainty.

The certainty that we already possess anything we could promise to find within ourselves. Whoa what? Back up, what about self-awareness and growth. Don't we need doubt to protect us and promises to keep us on track? No,my starry eyed dreamlivers. Does the Source, did the Source doubt for one minute what you were made of or if the world had a place for you. No it did not. It said this is what the world is and this is the next special thing I must call into being and poof there you were. Focus on keeping promises and you focus on how likely you are to fail at your task. This leads to second guessing. Don't make promises make mistakes as you stumble along your glorious defiant way.

Fuck up, fall down, and when the hand is outstretched to throw you back in the air from whatever Source it appears know you aren't learning to fly you are remembering how to use your wings.

Don't fear what you've discovered to be true and don't cheapen it with promise. It already is and you already are.

Promises can be broken. Certainty lasts. Let's shift our focus today to asking what the Source has for us to know for certain not what we must live up to. It just might mean tomorrow we wake up and face a day unlike any other before and fall asleep knowing the same awaits us the next day. Good days will become happy memories of what I did that bring me joy but bad days will not be shackles of what I'll do better ,just days that can never ever happen the same way again because of that you are certain.

Do that and you get days like the one i had yesterday. Yesterday the Source proved to me in spades how many of the truths I dared not embrace fully were uttter certainty. Phoenix Day was everything I had known it would be and so so much more. I knew it would be special but no where near the family event it was. Every feeling of Christmas past that I had starved to find in my adult life paled in comparision. The gifts meant more. The company was truly nakama. There was healing laughter and joyous raucous singing. here was created a sanctuary and a home for everything and everyone I hold dear. And I knew I was not dreaming about being a family i was living it, Phoenix Day for me was an all day act of belonging and becoming. I belong and so do you, I've become and so have you...no more promises let's just be certain the Source knows we have something to be and get on with it.

The books will hold the history, the songs will remind of lessons learned and joyous triumphs... but not without the authors who dare to say they KNOW how the story ends and how the melody goes.

A Little Christmas Cheer

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 17:57:12 GMT

Hi! I just wanted to say thank you to all my LJ friends for a year of joy and laughs. So here is a small present, a drawing of my MCR/TBP chibis to say Merry Christmas.
http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k204/cadetmhughes/MCR_chibiXmas.jpg

The Toxicity of Trying Too Hard

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 12:17:23 GMT

A sincere warning to my audience(imagined or otherwise), this entry going to go all over the place and then probably circle back on itself.

I have a lot of things to say today. Let's see If I get them all out.

Why I go to church. Two main reasons. I want to always remember to have gratitude for all the amazing things I have. In order to have gratitude, you have to possess an awareness of what you have. A lot of us don't really think about that. A lot of us, myself included for the longest time, think to be genuine and grateful means to sacrifice something. Saying thank you seems to come with an added cause you're so much better than me and I will humbly recognize that.
Oddly enough church is not about humility to me. It's about praise. To come to God and say i am weak or I need help doesn't make a person small and humble, it makes them a human being willing to be their authentic self. I firmly believe the only path to one's authentic self is faith. Whether you get it from ten differnet sources or a million. Faith in something. I'll go on record right now I absolutely believe without spirituality you can not realize your authentic self. Spirituality brings an examination of truth. What is true for you determines what you have gratitude for.
What you are grateful for determines how great the gifts in your life are.
Church reminds of one of the big ones...God loves a lot of people I don't like, including myself. See, now here is a perfect example where I am grateful God is bigger than me. Cause if he is I have just lost every single argument i will ever have with myself and anyone else that i am not loveable. Know what that means. I can act on authentic impulse. Any act of love becomes deep and absolute without concern about reward or consequence or expectation.
I think that can be aided by loving God(source) without shame and with great joy. Sing your heart out in church. and you find it hard to not sing your heart out in life.

Wow, that was a better segway than I could have hoped for. There are things in my life as powerful as church could ever be. One of them is my family. My nakama. My band. I'm talking about the people who have spent the better part of the last ten years loving me as greatly as God ever could when I choose to see it that way.The people that have put up with my crap and waited to see my brilliance.

You want to know why I'm so enamored of Mychem. Why Gerard is one of my heroes? He is on the other side of all that. He knows who is friends are. He knows what a gift life is. He's accepted his rightful position in life as the bandleader with a fearless happy abandon I live to accomplish. The details are different(some not so much) but it was the love of the people around him and his love of his authentic self that saved him. Look at him now.

He may never know it but he is Gold D. Roger(the Pirate King who told of One Piece which holds the key to becoming the next Pirate King) to my Luffy, a vital piece of Luffy's make-up that i have been missing.. I've been mostly trying so hard to be a good person and maybe someday become someone else's Gold Roger I sort of forgot to whole incredible experience to be Luffy. To aspire. To embrace. To walk with certainty. To trust the crew you chose and chose you. To dance and sing with abandon whether the world gets you or not. To know when it's time to go and pull up anchor without question.

Luffy never tries too hard. He is passionate in everything he commits too. And yes sometimes that means he damn near drowns and needs to be rescued. More often than not, however, he defeats the obstacles in his and his crew's way. One of the biggest ways I think he does this is he never doubts his crew, not for one minute, and leaves them no room to doubt themselves. If a crew member says they want to be the world's greatest swordsman, that's it to Luffy that is how it is, he is so certain of it that he sees no different between now and then, to him they already are. this goes for himself too, he won't even entertain the thought he might not find One Piece and become King of the Pirates. When he says I WILL become King of the Pirate it is not a goal it is not a dream he is absolutely willing it to be he might as well say I am becoming the Pirate King. Done deal.

And every person who boards his ship and becomes his nakama gets the very same commitment from him. Nami IS making the complete map of the entire world. Usopp everyday LIVES the story of a brave warrior of the sea. All blue is ALREADY within Sanji's reach.
They see this when they look in Luffy's eyes and they mirror that confidence back at him. He can be a total flake. Irresponsible. Childish. Irritating. Yet, in the end, not a single nakama would doubt for a minute they were part of the next Pirate King's crew.

Trying too hard kills this whole concept. You spend more time worrying about your respective job and cease to just be that which you are. Luffy would make a lousy Captain if he spent all day everyday worrying about how good a captain he was. Nami would suck at navigating the ship if she spent all her time wondering if she really knew enough to steer them right. And so on. And so on.

In our life, in our reality, this is true as well. Last night, I tried to teach a class and I could have done a better job if i had just been Sensei not tried so hard to be things that aren't Sensei because I thought that was what expected of me. I'm reminded of Jesus,he was god made flesh, so am I, so are you. He never tried to do it all. He spoke, he taught, but he wasn't the one who chased down the lost sheep that is God's job and Jesus never presumed to be God , he was just more aware than most that he was a true Child of God and wanted as many people as possible to recognize this potential within themselves. But he didn't chase down lost sheep. He taught anyone who would listen but not at the expense of those desperate to learn. Sensei is more like this. Sensei was not true to himself last night because he tried too hard to be too much and lost what he IS.

Vynn tried too hard to be loved and perfect last night and ruined all chances to have a productive moving experience. Vynn needs to stop trying so hard, i would know because i do too. And other people suffered for my choice.
Timmatthew was commited in a way i have never seen. Seth was brave enough to admit he wanted and needed this spiritual pursuit(for Seth to admit the need for anything is a devestatingly huge step) and speaking of devestatingly huge, Robbie testimony both broke my heart and renewed my faith.

This is in no way meant to hurt anybody. It is recogition of my role. I have a responsibily to my authentic self to be my nakama's Captain, my band's frontman, my interfaith spiritualistic path's guide and I have to step up. Not a one of you will believe my commitment to your authentic selves if I don't start accepting mine.

I welcome anyone who wants to truly be on our ship I always will. I am sending out a boarding call.it's time to move on.

I am getting the band together. Consider this the phone call. I am ready to sing my heart out. Are you ready to pick up your instrument?

I have something to say. Something to teach. Do you want to learn?

Oh my God, I think the bandleader is here. I think I'm here. When did that happen?

I guess when i stopped trying so hard

When Inspiration Packs Its Bag and Takes Everything With It

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 19:37:57 GMT

We all have these days.

We desperately want to create something amazing and God knows at 4 am the night before we had more inspiration than seemed humanly possible. We were at that very moment capable of starting a social movement and building a city while we learned how to play the violin with our feet and still have time before breakfast to write an entire recipe book of dishes using maple syrup as an ingredient.

Then we go back to sleep thinking it will come back tomorrow. we wake up and it's not there.

What to do then? Well,I suppose one answer is-do nothing--not a thing--because eventually inspiration will strike again.

Is this the only relationship we can form with inspiration. Is this its only M. O. Lightning bolt immediacy or maybe just maybe we can relate to it in a new way.

Many years ago, I half-jokingly created a concept based on the idea of writer's block. I imagined these fuzzy little critters with teeth that fed on creative ideas. I called them Grumblies. Each of my then group of friends had a representative plush of a grumblie that acted as an effigy with the ability to ward off grumblie spirits.

Now I haven't given that a whole lot of thought in a while. Though, Source knows, I've had enough Grumblie attacks. The inspiration well has ran rampant to only turn desert dry with seemingly no rational explanation.

Until tonight. Until I had an A-ha moment (what Tal would call an epiphany, you should ask him about his take on epiphanies sometime) .

(you've been warned I have no issue discussing the Bible in the same breath let alone blog where I sing the praises of MyChem, anime,and all the other places I find my truth)
Exodus 16:1-3
The whole Israelite community set out from Elim and came to the Desert of Sin, which is between Elim and Sinai, on the fifteenth day of the second month after they had come out of Egypt. In the desert the whole community GRUMBLED against Moses and Aaron. the Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt. There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.

My first reaction was to put myself in Moses's place. Here is my most human of responses--If I were Moses I would seriously want to bitch slap them(sidebar Tal wholeheartedly agrees)
That said, I started to let my mind grab on to the meat of the passage and Pastor Rob's sermon.. A quick explanation, I believe if you are really going to get anything of value out of the Bible or take any lesson to heart you can't can't let ANYONE tell you what it means. You have to figure it out for yourself and it is different for each person. So I like to try a put myself in the story from lots of different points of view. I believe the more you look the more you see.
So okay, I start investigating where maybe, I ,like the ungrateful slaves need to be bitch-slapped when Rob says "when we suffer, we have a choice-to be overcome with GRUMBLING or to remember Gratitude."
I heard grumbling but I saw grumblies and I realized something i that moment. Gratitude most surely invites and/or can welcome back inspiration as surely as grumbling(grumblies) devour it.
So what if the next time an attack of grumblies sets in, we start making a list of all the wonderful gifts the Source has given us. As I like to think of them, the sparkling star sprinkles we have poured on us everyday. What if that subtle change in mindset makes all the difference. if we follow the bandleader we accept freedom and all that comes with it, including inspiration. Should we choose to remain in captivity lulled by its false easy promises perhaps we forfeit the space for inspriration in our hearts.
This week let's try to feel the star sprinkles the Source has for the free soul.

Who Are We

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 06:18:27 GMT

Let's take a moment and discuss the Disenfranchised
Find out who we are
Are we a social movement lurking in the dark
nurturing ourselves in the shadows
licking the wounds we suffer with the pride of the fearless
All of that and more
We are the distant rumbling of a coming storm
standing for nothing
yet standing in front of complacency
Children of god
and disciples of dozens of other deities
Radicals in our own right
People who touch the stars and harness their power
those who contemplate their meaning
And gazers all
towards a future ruled
by not tyranny but love
Where different is no longer secret code for
the kind to rally against
but instead the simple term for the gloriously complex
Breaking out of their boxes
Shattering their shells
If we are to start
To discuss the Disenfranchised
The only place to start is ourselves

Songk'heeping Quandry

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 15:54:54 GMT

So I've begun work on my most ambitious Songk'heeping yet and realized I have some potentially complicated concerns to address...I want my tarot to be workable and personal. I'm already discovering it worksone of two ways either I have no trouble coming up with songs that fit or I seem to lose the key to the vast store of songs in my head and can't get pick even one to start.

Here's the thing...it's a given a song can have many different meanings and what surrounds it on a list will help define it but it's also dangerous to use repetition as a crutch.

Numerically without repetition I would need approximately 20 x 78 songs or 1560 songs. Finding 1560 songs of power and relevance with a personal connection would be no small feat and as a Master I could probably do it but that doesn't mean it's the right way...

I could also rework The Six of Cups the first one I did so that there is a framework...first and last song the same in the case of each suit...then the in between would be different and affected by the beginning song and the end...

I am kind of leaning towards the third way...I just have decide if it's because I'm a)like torturing myself, b)am trying to prove I can do it the most complicated way humanly possible, c)have truly found the way that stikes the right cord with my spiritual and creative mind.
This way involves actually using certain songs as the sonically visual element of the minor arcana...the two of cups would then have two songs that carry over to the three of cups...then those two would pick up a third cup(song) and proceed to all three be a the four of cups and so on...until the ten which would have the nine former cups(songs) and one new one...

One of the reasons I like this is because in time said songs will be mentally associated with the suit they are in and if you hear that song you might actually hear some of the other songs from that suit sub-conciously...so you start training your mind to use music as spiritual guideposts thus giving the Source another clear channel to reach you with...

A possible con is you could in theory through the lists on random(one ofthe ways I want to be able to use the tarot) and get the same song over and over again...while it's not likely with that many songs it is still a possibility...thus risking the chance of one song being hammered into your head but then again if the source isn't going for subtle and/or you are one of those people that needs a certain point driven home this might not be a bad thing...

The amount of extra work that would go into that particular method is ginormous...as certain songs will have be tested and weighed before a single disk is complete which sounds spiritually exhausting...the finish though would no doubt be spiritually satisfying...I also know where I have to start...I need to find like thirty to forty songs for each suit that could in theory work and then whittle it down before I can even finish the one list

Now I just need to find the one that is most spiritually motivated...

also I must mention...we Songk'heepers now have a playful slogan and if that doesn't make us an official religion what does...

here's our T-shirt..."I don't have MOOD SWINGS, I have KEY CHANGES."

Didn't I Say I'd Update More

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 14:33:09 GMT

Ah well,life's been a bit busy. Last week was V-day and I didn't do much creatively other than Roy-kun's Valentine. I finally decided on two more volumes of So Many Ways and got to work finding just the right tunes. The best part was I used the mike and figured the sound thingie on the computer and managed to to voice-overs for each song so needless to say honey was surprised...

And then...man,did we get lazy...the weekend was nothing but four gloriously non eventful vacay days...total bliss...

Time to gush and rant...
gushes--Panic! At The Disco, next Fall Out Boy wait and see
--crushing on Stephen Colbert(can't help it he is so Kevin Buchanan from our story)
--God how I love the Death Note manga...Light and L are just that demented Yaoi couple I've been searching for
--okay let's see...Taylor...love his voice
...Ace...what's not to love
...Kevin...whin is the plushie coming out
...Patrick...needs to sing more ballads and he'll go far
...my fave...you know who you are...great song choice
...wil...so cute and entertaining
oh why can there be only six I have at least four more faves

rant
--on the other hand I can only see four girls I even am remotely impressed with..
..and one of them ain't Pickler...uggh Carrie much?
--Lisa,Paris,and the girl who went first and the girl who went last..that's it the rest of you go home..please...no I mean it, go home
--not being able to find John O's second album in any store
--my still unsuccessful attempt at the l-j cut

I must brag for a moment my first student has just started the 60+ test towards becoming Songk'heeping Master...unreal, she was good to start but the change the subtlety the boldness is amazing...her 60th was a DNangel list and it was transcendant...I just hope she knows what a hard act it will be follow...
Music has been as much a religion as a form of entertainment to me as long as I could remember but in watching it actually help someone's spirit grow even I have to revisit how important it might be to promote it as such...

And speaking of spiritual growth...I'll be trying to sort out how exactly I feel about what I've got it on good authority is the life path I was born to...But that's a discussion for another day

Making Mistakes

Sat, 04 Feb 2006 05:32:07 GMT

Ok rather than spend the next hour trying to decide if I want to post this in the old journal or the new one...I'm just going to do this how it feels right.

I've always ALWAYS been a perfectionist. I've always felt like I should live my life as a perfect return for the questionable if it's worth it investment my family and friends and the Source have chosen to make in me. If I have a dream and I work for it and achieve it, they will be proud and they will see how wonderful I really am and it will be okay for them to love me then. Moreover this is what they are all waiting for, and letting them down without giving them anything of value is the ultimate betrayal.

Now these things have been bumping around in my brain for a very long time though I've never been this close to breakthrough.

I wrote a line for a character I am very close to...

"I've never been uncomfortable with who I am. It's always been, here I am, like it or not, but I bet you'll like it. Never wanted to be anything else. Never."--Cadet Hughes from our untitled fic

SOURCE grant me the power to adopt this brilliantly simple self-acceptance. I did write it after all.

It starts with that quote. I keep it in the back of my mind. I find I enjoy writing the character more and more. Then I find I'm enjoying the act of writing more and more.

Until it becomes much more than it started. Suddenly I'm asking questions like...maybe perfection is unacheivable, in fact maybe being a perfectionist is the most crippling mindset a person can have. I have a lot of things I might like to do...might like to try. Could the desire to be perfect be keeping me from them?

Oh yes. Equivocally yes. I've spent so much time doubting whether I could acheive perfection in anything I've failed acheiving many of the things I think about...I dream about. I've lost beloved friends who were not perfect themselves and didn't care because I obsessed about being not perfect enough for them. I've messed up the greatest love ever known many times trying to prove I had the right answer or the perfect gift or could give them the perfect day.

This is not healthy. I am also not healthy. I wonder if they're connected?

But is it that easy?
Give up being a perfectionist and I'm sure I will change.

At first glance I can see it would be for the better. Think about it. If I'm not afraid to write something lame I am also creating a scenario wher I can write something brilliant. If I stop being afraid of producing less than perfect art then I start producing more art. Period. And some of it will be fantastic. Why. Because I know I have talent in both those areas and you have to do the work before you can assess it. Judge it before you do and you never pick up the tool to create it.

And it would seem to work with people to. Earlier today I found something that I thought would be nice to do for Roy-kun. But my first thought was it would make a great surprise so maybe I shouldn't mention it, second thought was what if he doesn't like it which almost always leads to the third thought well because there is a chance he might not like this surprise I shouldn't get the tickets and I shouldn't mention it at all because then if it would have been a good thing he'll be upset I didn't know him well enough or care enough to know it would have been a wonderful surprise...WHO THINKS LIKE THIS??????? Hell it's MY usual thought process and even I think it's cracked.

I said usual because my thought pattern actually continued to a new conclusion today. You see last night I was reading one of Sunshine's "Scribbles" and initally I thought the short Hellsing fic was well-written but off-putting. Integra had gone to a dark empty place and Alucard had found an abrupt way of breaking her from it. It seemed his actions were sort of cold and he'd left her alone when she didn't need to be. My next thought I'm ashamed to say was...is this what you think of me...as I'm Alucard to her Integra...and this after she was so nice and ran me a bath AFTER cleaning the tub so she could make me a bath and my thought is... oh I get it you were just being nice so you could ambush me about how not perfect I am....then, thank the Source in all it's many forms, I realized how beautiful the story was...

What I initially saw as cold was just what was needed and he did that instinctively...it showed simple unconditional love...even if Integra got mad or upset because he left her so abruptly the actual reality of why he did was love and love had been enough. He had rescued her from her own empty cold and didn't need anything more than to have done it. No need for thank you or for her to show him weakness if she wasn't ready for that kind of emotion no by it's very nature it was thankless. Well, I suddenly felt ten feet tall. If I am Alucard to her Integra just how deep a love letter is that story.

It occured to me I'd have never written it that way because I'd have had to create this grandiose verbose expression of love between them and that made me think is there a secret here I'm about to miss...before I say I could never write it that way might I just pause and consider that this amazing person knows me better than I do...he knows who it is he loves so maybe I should stop second guessing him...

Maybe trying to be perfect for him is just like slapping him in the face and saying you don't know your own heart and I don't think you know what's good for you. Okay I'll allow myself a moment to feel like an asshole and then move on.

This establishes my actions have not been saying I love you and I trust you and you make good decisions or about a million other things I thought I was saying...

So I took a chance and told Roy-kun about the really cool thing and he got excited and does want to go and what was accepted as a possible mistake became the best thing with the best result. And about a hundred tiny little lights went off in my mind...

If the mistakes don't matter and aren't feared...how many of them turn into hidden gems. How many things can I accomplish if I tell myself the mistakes are necessary...without them there would be no growth at all So...

Beloved, I promise to try to not be afraid to be wrong because it means I will get to give you more and know you better.

Friends, I will not get you the perfect gift but what I give will come from the heart.

Family, I will never be the perfect child and I don't really want to. Thank you for forgiving me for that.

and Source, help me learn to embrace mistakes...understand mistakes...overcome mistakes..but most of all help me imagine what I'll make while i'm making every mistake I possibly can...

Here I am, like it or not, but I'll bet you like it...